Good News for the World: Humanity Causes Climate Change

WASHINGTON - An upbeat tone reigned over the annual Environmental Sciences Conference at the Foundation Towards Reality summit in Washington D.C. this past week, where scientists announced that after a long period of controversy, it has been finally, conclusively proven that human activity is a primary cause of global climate change. "Anthropogenic" (human-caused) climate change is a reality.

"The news couldn't be better," enthused Dr. Lovell 'Lovey' Bubbage, chairman of the Research Sciences Institute Into Ecology, and keynote speaker at the conference. "A third-grade student knows that left to its own courses, Earth has been ping-ponging from global melt to global freeze and back again, all through its natural history. Now, finally, we know humanity has the power to affect this cycle."

Dr. Keanu Harrington of the Climate Studies Group elaborates: "As you know, we're in an ice age right now. The presence of year-round polar ice, by definition - that's an ice age. So we're either in a temporary warmer pocket - a thaw - within the current ice age to-be-resumed, or else we're at the tail end and coming out of the now-passing ice age. Either of these natural states spells bad news for humanity! We don't like nature like that. Nature embraces extremes: hot muggy winters with Wyoming submerged, all the way to nasty snowy summers with ice sheets reaching to Ohio. That's not how humanity likes nature. We want nice frosty caps of polar ice, wide temperate zones with four seasons to grow crops and build cities in, and a tropical belt around the middle for vacations."

But does humanity have as much influence as we need? Can we arrest nature at that happy medium, and keep it from going to its usual hot and cold extremes? "That has now become the question," notes natural historian and theoretical meteorologist Jeddo Phepps. "For too long, the naysayers were telling us we were helpless. Telling us no, humanity doesn't have this influence on the climate. Well that dismal picture is considerably brighter now! We know for an absolute fact: humanity does have influence, strong influence. With that controversy settled, we can focus our research and attention on understanding that influence. Directing it. We've proven dozens of mechanisms by which we do definitely affect the climate, and more are coming into view all the time. Some factors increase global temperature, others reduce it. Understanding these mechanisms is the only difference between anthropogenic climate change - and anthropogenic climate control."

What will this mean to the global warming debate going forward? "Well, it's over," says Dr. Abby McFey, summing up. "After years of political controversy and wrangling over whether we can affect climate, finally we can stop wasting time and money studying what-if, and put that funding towards how-to. With all the climate-changing tools we've discovered already, there's no reason careful research and application can't get the climate under control within this century."

(mostly) ALL-CAPS MOVIE-REVIEW #1: The Odd Life Of Timothy Green

I saw The Odd Life Of Timothy Green on the plane, and the less said about that freak and his fucking disgusting ankle-leaves the better.

I don't think any of the below is really a SPOILER, since all this crap can be pretty much inferred from the trailer. But still. It's a bit harsh. So I may be "spoiling the film," for some people. In some sense. "Spoiler Alert."

NO, YOU MYSTICAL LITTLE MUD-BIRTHED BASTARD: EVERYBODY'S *NOT* DIFFERENT. NOT LIKE THAT! NOT LIKE YOU ARE. AND NO, SORRY, IT'S *NOT* OKAY. IT COULD HAVE BEEN OKAY, MAYBE - BUT NOTHING YOU SAY AND NOTHING WE SEE EVEN BOTHERS TO TRY TO MAKE THAT SHIT OKAY! NOT WHEN YOUR "PARENTS" ARE SUCH BLATANT ASSHOLES THAT THE VERY BLATANCY OF THEIR INHERENT ASSHOLISH OBLIVIOUSNESS CAN MAGICALLY AND INEXPLICABLY INFECT AND HOODWINK THE ENTIRE TOWN INTO ACCEPTING THAT YOU'RE THEIRS, WITHOUT SOME KIND OF FUCKING EXPLANATION THAT INVOLVES PAPERWORK! AND ENROLL YOU IN SCHOOL?!?!? NO BIRTH CERTIFICATE!? NO FUCKING VACCINATION RECORDS!? MIRACLES LIKE THIS ARE NOT OKAY. NOT IN A FILM SET IN THE HERE AND NOW TODAY, POST-INTERNET, POST-MEGAN'S LAW, POST-PATRIOT ACT. DON'T GIVE US THE TRAPPINGS OF BIG BAD HARSH WORLD AND THEN MAKE EVERYBODY ACT LIKE A PLOT TOOL TO CONTRADICT THE PREMISE. YOU WANT TO TELL US WE'RE SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THE POSSIBILITY OF MIRACLES IN THIS HARSH WORLD OF OURS? FINE! PRESENT US WITH SAID HARSH WORLD, AND THEN WORK A MIRACLE IN THERE! IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE, IN THE MOVIES AT LEAST. BUT DON'T TELL US WE'RE SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THE POSSIBILITY OF MIRACLES IN THIS HARSH WORLD OF OURS, ONLY TO SWAP OUT "HARSH WORLD" WITH "KINGDOM OF BUBBLEGUM SUGARLUMPS"! YOUR MESSAGE DOESN'T WORK, THEN, DOES IT? OF COURSE WE SHOULD EXPECT MIRACLES IN THE KINGDOM OF BUBBLEGUM SUGARLUMPS. THAT'S NO INSPIRATION AT ALL FOR US, HERE! NOT IN THE WORLD WHERE WE LIVE. AND SORRY KID, NEITHER ARE YOU. FUCK YOU AND YOUR DOPEY EXPRESSION. IF YOU'RE GOING TO ASK ME TO SUSPEND DISBELIEF, DON'T KEEP SHOOTING BBs AT MY MOOD BALLOON.

Yeah, yeah, I cried a little at the end, so what. Those were unearned tears. The whole movie sucked, apart from the performances which were generally quite fine. But the whole thing itself sucked.

If I cried, I was crying for whoever paid for tickets.

CHICK-FIL-A WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING! Now Introducing for a Limited Time: The Chicken McBigotry Sandwich!

If you're like me, you can't get enough of those tender delicious fast food chicken sandwiches, you love to pour your hard-earned patriotic dollars into causes that say it straight and traditional about American values, and you hate fags. But not everyone has a Chick-Fil-A near you! What to do?

Well, we've heard your cry. Come on down to one of our conveniently-located locations to satisfy that God-fearing Chicken-Loving Christian urge! Bite into the newest fundamentalist taste sensation: our new Chicken McBigotry Sandwich. One hot, white, juicy all-breast patty of delicious chicken, either baked up hot and healthy for the ladies watching their figure, or battered and crisp-fried to a golden decadence for the men, also watching their ladies' figure, but solely for the goal of procreation as seen through the sanctified eyes of the blessed union of holy matrimony: one man. One woman. And one chicken sandwich.

Either way you order it, you get it seasoned with our Secret Rub of spices and herbs, and slapped onto a pert, waiting bun, loaded up with crisp lettuce, red ripe tomato, and white tangy dressing for a chicken-y delicious taste sensation that your mouth won't be able to get a big enough bite of. Sized just right for a woman's appetite! And men? If I may be so bold, a touch of gluttony now and then for the sake of a good cause is no sin. Surely for the healthy, red-blooded appetites of an upstanding Christian man, one breast can't be enough to satisfy. Better make it a pair: one Double-Chicken McBigotry to go, please! There you are.

Ladies, you know you want this chicken sandwich. It's an all-natural celebration of the way God intended lunch to be: and at $2.99, it's a celebration of value, as well as values! Bite into something that sends the right message to the community, and to the nation. Men - what do you want in your mouth? A dick? Or a delicious crispy chicken sandwich. Go ahead. Send a moral message. Take a big man-sized bite, and look around at who's watching. They know what sandwich this is. And every bite you take of it, righteously, standing before God and in the eyes of the world - that's a bite that says: "I choose chicken - not dick - to fill my mouth."

Try the new Chicken McBigotry Sandwich! Available now for a limited time, only at participating franchises.