I just want to take a moment here to come out as straight. And not to mince words, I do mean: heterosexual. I am a cisgendered (folks, this is a term that means the sex you were born as is the same as the gender you identify as, for example: I was born chromosomally XY, a sexual male, and today I gender-identify as "male") male, and I am attracted, heterosexually, to females. Heterosexual is a term that means you are sexually attracted to another sex, not your own sex. Homosexual, of course, would mean you are attracted to your own sex. We've all heard that one!
So I was prompted to come out with this open declaration for a reason. I heard there was recently some news story about a kid, high-school age I think, who came out as gay, and was apparently supported in doing so by the website Twitter.com. And the report I heard was that some of the reaction to this story was: "What's the big deal? I don't go around telling people I'm straight."
Well guess what, whoever said that? I do. I go around telling people I'm straight. Maybe this is the first big declaration I've done online, but for years now I have in my life openly, proudly declared myself and my sexuality. Openly, I say. Do you have a problem with that? What, am I going to shut up about it? NO. Why should I? Because you have a problem with it?
Listen up, people. My sexual orientation is every bit as natural, every bit as acceptable as any other person's is. Am I proud? You bet I'm proud. Hell yes I'm proud! What's there to be proud of as far as my sexual orientation goes? Plenty. For one thing, I'm attracted to women. Now, nothing to be proud about, there, necessarily. Okay, I can admit that. But it's a huge source of pride that on occasion, I've been able to "get with" some of them! I'm straight, and fuck yes I have occasionally been able to "get with" women! And you bet I'm proud of that - damn proud. Because that's something to be proud of. Because take one look at me! Hairy. Gangly. Muscular in all the places that I myself would find - off-putting, to say the least. Big and lumbering of gait, yet lithe of limb and graceful at the extremities! Fingers like a ballet tosser. A born dancer! In fact, except, born by accident into the body of a casino rec league linebacker. If I were to look at myself from a sexual standpoint, I'd find myself borderline revolted! No offense, self-confidence, but I just can't be into me that way. So proud? Proud that in some way, some how, I've managed to be and present a whole package that together could be attractive to women, in spite of my baseline physical appearance? That's a big source of pride for me, that a woman would want to be with me despite all that. And I don't mean to brag, but - more than one woman. Several, in fact. Close to five or six, over a lifetime. Maybe more or less, but not by a ton. Who's counting, honestly? I'm not some pig, racking up notches.
But I am proud of my sexuality. I'm openly, actively (within a very selective company, to be sure, but very actively within that select company), flamboyantly straight - and to anybody who doesn't know it, HELL YES HALLELUJAH! YOU KNOW IT NOW.
I wasn't always this open. I used to be silent.
I was silent for too long.
I was silent in solidarity with those who felt they needed to be silent. And if somebody asked me what I was, persuasion-wise, I'd sometimes even take a cue from Michael Stipe and say, "it's none of anybody's business who you like on your lap." True dat, Stipey. That's a true thing. It *IS* none of anybody's business. It's certainly none of Michael Stipe's business! And well, why would it be? For that matter, it's probably none of Michael Stipe's busines who I tell about who I want on my lap. Including nobody but prospective lap-mates if I wish, but including the whole wide world, if I want to.
At some point I realized silence is the wrong message, for me. I respect anyone's privacy and desire for it. Those who choose to remain private, be so. But for me, I realized I needed to change my silence. I need to come out and SHOUT. I need to throw my weight around, and let it land on and support the side of those who say: "Sexuality is a thing to proclaim! It's a thing to celebrate, and demand equal recognition!" YES. TELL IT.
So am I straight? Mother love, I was born straight. Am I proud? Oh, hell yes. I'm proud. I laid out the reasons already.
But here's something else I can acknowledge, and that I want to acknowledge. There is an extra reason and an extra aspect, where I do not have the same cause another may have, to be proud. To have and display and shout: PRIDE.
We are all of us in this life in this same boat: we are human beings, and at the ground level of those we know, those we deal with, those in whose circles we move and from whom we'd wish for love and respect, friendship, acceptance, or at a minimum tolerance and recognition of our right to exist, to be who we are and to pursue happiness with like-minded consenting adults - we are all in that same boat.
But some of us get it. Every day, and largely without even question. And some of us don't.
Those of you who have to do without, and who are brave and soldier on in the face of active hostility and dismissal, in the face of even the open disgust and contempt and derogation and detestation - of strangers! And even of acquaintances, and even of family, and who consequently have learned to fear to lose friends, and to be shut out of love, of business, of life if they admit who they are, all because of ... what? genitalcentric interaction issues?
You who have that to deal with, and who manage despite that to keep human, you have a reason and a cause to be proud that I do not have, and could not have. I can't have pride like the pride you have, and deserve.
Of you, I am proud. When I see you put the haters to shame, I am proud. When I see you throw the weight of your pride around, heedless of shamers - I am more proud. When I see you say things and do things to lift up all of us, despite the shameful ways of too many of us, who put you down - I could not be more proud.
And I can't share in what you have to go through, and I won't insult you by saying I wish I could. I don't wish I could. I'm glad as hell and fortunate as fuck to be spared having to go through what you have to go through, every step forward of your life. I don't want to share your burden, because it is a burden that no one should have in the first place. But what I should wish is that I could help lift it off of you.
And I do wish that. But what I find myself wishing more often is that I could tear the rest of the world a new one, for putting it on you in the first place.
People who are "like me" in that cis-regard, in that hetero-sex way, born in the "right" body, and to sexually dig the "right" side, and so able to sidestep, to not be subject to all the societywide bias and taboo that hits you daily, daily, daily and you have to STEEP in it - people "like me" in that respect, so fortunate! We should have some kind of beautiful humility and gratitude, for being spared so much grief! Yet far too many of us cisborn heterofuckers choose instead to create your grief. To add to your grief. It makes me furious. I am more than ashamed of them.
But I am not ashamed of "us," though. Because those intolerant cisborn heterofuckers...they opt out of any "us" that I care to be a part of. Because I am a cisborn heterofucker. And as I already said, I am proud of it. As proud as I am of you. You keep strong.
Anybody who has a problem with that, the problem is all theirs.
No comments:
Post a Comment